This is me, at least for today

Today was an average day in the life of a 400 pound man. There was pain, irritability, fatigue and overall malaise. Too often I tend to post when I am having marvelous days, full of energy and motivated. But for each of those days there are two days that I really struggle getting out of bed in the morning and spend the entire day in a rather listless haze. I’m not exactly negative, just apathetic and covered in a self-pity that is not warranted. I doubt I will post from this state again, but I wanted to capture it. This is a very large part of who I am, and why it is so difficult for me to lose weight. The truth is that I don’t know why I gained the weight in the first place, I wasn’t sexually abused by an uncle, no drugs (although that would have probably helped me lose weight!), I wasn’t bad in school, my parents were together…there was no traumatic event that spurned a dramatic weight gain. I think a part of me is afraid that because I never figured out why I gained the weight, that even if I lose it it would likely come back. My oldest memory regarding the psychology of my weight problem was fron High School, when I jokingly told a friend that asked me why I was fat, “It’s my way of commiting suicide. I figure if I eat myself to death I will get the satisfaction of knowing that I am doing something but will have plenty of time to call it off.” I was only joking, but I am afraid that maybe my body didn’t know I wasn’t serious.

I’ve found that recently my motivation is waning, and I’m not sure why. I haven’t made it to the gym… I want to stay in bed all of the time…. Sometimes I just want to eat, eat, eat…anything and everything until I am sick. The thing is, I don’t know why. There was no trigger, no stress… I remain valued and appreciated at work, I get a very large berth to do my best and am highly rewarded. My basic needs are met. I have great friends. Sure, money is an issue…but money is generally an issue and it hasn’t thrown me over the edge before. Now, with so many people rooting for me, I just want to roll over and sleep and to give up before I have really started.I truly appreciate all the support that I am getting, today a friend even started a list for me of all the things I should be proud of…her way of cheering me up. But what good is success if I don’t really care?  Is it a fear of failure and sense of hopelessness? Am I afraid of what losing weight will mean for me? Or am I just lazy and tired of spending the effort it takes to work my program? I honestly don’t know….but I need to snap out of it.

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