Archive for the ‘Reflection’ Category

Video Update



I have been so tired lately, but I have much to share.

1. I need gall bladder surgery but I haven’t met the surgeon yet and don’t know anything beyold that I have many small stones.

2, I raised $1,072 for the American Heart Association Heart Walk. Notable were a large donation from work and a donation from a stranger, who inspired and haunted me with the words “there is more to life than just existing”.

3. I have been sleeping A LOT, not exercising at all and not keeping track of my bad eating. The call from my doc telling me that I needed surgery sucked the life and motivation from me.

4. Received a note from Richard Simmons today asking for my phone number so we can talk. I’m afraid.

5. My reliance on opiod meds is messing with my metabolism, constipating me something awful and making me an addict. But I can’t find an alternative.

6. Time with my best friend rekindled a sense of who I am and what I once wanted to be.

7. Bowling with the family gave me a glimpse of a life unfiltered by lethargy and obesity.

8. Lastly, a fun iPhone app pasted my face on old yearbook photos, giving me a glimpse of what I might look like thinner.

A video blog is sure to follow.

For now, my immediate plans are:

A. Get out of bed each morning.

B. Stop feeling sorry for myself, i am truly lucky.

C. Drink 8-12 glasses of water each day.

D. Lots of fiber, and senna if needed.

E. No more trying to make the pain patch last longer.

F. Vitamins daily, including iron.

G. Meet nutritional goals, really try and plan foods and don’t freak when I eat more than 800 calories as long as I am sticking around 1200.

H. Catch up at work. No slacking. Fatigue is not an excuse.

I. Do my share of cooking and cleaning.

J. Lastly, follow up with Richard Simmons. I had always thought that the gastric bypass surgery would be my last hurrah, but that didn’t work out. But seriously, if Richard Simmons can’t help me… Who ccan?


I wanted to check in to say that I’m back on track, I may not be eating as healthy as I could be or going to the gym, but I’ve regained my motivation. I’m again excited about losing weight, and most importantly…I believe that I can do it.

There was a great comment to one of my posts that mentioned that the opiod medications that I take for pain have the effect of also slowing down my metabolism. They sedate my entire system, which slows down the weight loss process. That leaves me in a hard position, because the pain without the pills is severe…but I am going to try and at least cut back. The pain will not kill me, but not losing weight will.

Thanks to all that support me. My wife has gone to great lengths to keep healthy food in the house. My coworkers have thoughtfully stopped encouraging me to go to lunch, rather asking “what did you bring today”. The family we stayed with on our vacation went to great consideration and expense to make sure that the kitchen was stocked with healthy items and that meals were on my program. This weekend, when I visited my best friend, he made sure that our snacks and meals were diet-friendly, rather than the junk food that has historically been our tradition.

Overall I am just amazed and overwhelmed by the kindness of those close to me, as well as relative strangers. While fund raising for the American Heart Association Heart Walk I am moved by those that have donated large sums as well as those that gave as little as $1…but I am equally moved by those that did not have the circumstances to donate financially but gave their love and support. To me, that is priceless.

This is me, at least for today

Today was an average day in the life of a 400 pound man. There was pain, irritability, fatigue and overall malaise. Too often I tend to post when I am having marvelous days, full of energy and motivated. But for each of those days there are two days that I really struggle getting out of bed in the morning and spend the entire day in a rather listless haze. I’m not exactly negative, just apathetic and covered in a self-pity that is not warranted. I doubt I will post from this state again, but I wanted to capture it. This is a very large part of who I am, and why it is so difficult for me to lose weight. The truth is that I don’t know why I gained the weight in the first place, I wasn’t sexually abused by an uncle, no drugs (although that would have probably helped me lose weight!), I wasn’t bad in school, my parents were together…there was no traumatic event that spurned a dramatic weight gain. I think a part of me is afraid that because I never figured out why I gained the weight, that even if I lose it it would likely come back. My oldest memory regarding the psychology of my weight problem was fron High School, when I jokingly told a friend that asked me why I was fat, “It’s my way of commiting suicide. I figure if I eat myself to death I will get the satisfaction of knowing that I am doing something but will have plenty of time to call it off.” I was only joking, but I am afraid that maybe my body didn’t know I wasn’t serious.

I’ve found that recently my motivation is waning, and I’m not sure why. I haven’t made it to the gym… I want to stay in bed all of the time…. Sometimes I just want to eat, eat, eat…anything and everything until I am sick. The thing is, I don’t know why. There was no trigger, no stress… I remain valued and appreciated at work, I get a very large berth to do my best and am highly rewarded. My basic needs are met. I have great friends. Sure, money is an issue…but money is generally an issue and it hasn’t thrown me over the edge before. Now, with so many people rooting for me, I just want to roll over and sleep and to give up before I have really started.I truly appreciate all the support that I am getting, today a friend even started a list for me of all the things I should be proud of…her way of cheering me up. But what good is success if I don’t really care?  Is it a fear of failure and sense of hopelessness? Am I afraid of what losing weight will mean for me? Or am I just lazy and tired of spending the effort it takes to work my program? I honestly don’t know….but I need to snap out of it.

Can you please help me? I need your support!

This is my motivation for the HeartWalk. To live for my daughter!

This is my motivation, to ensure that Lily doesn't lose her dad to heart disease!


I am sorry to bother you with this post, I know how busy we all are…but I am asking for your help. I am participating in this year’s American Heart Association Heart Walk and am looking for sponsors. I have been so busy with so many things that so far I have absolutely zero sponsors, which is embarrassing. As a morbidly obese man, I am at a significantly higher risk for heart disease, and 1 in 4 Americans will be touched by a major heart event in their lifetimes. It takes a lot for me to drag myself out from in front of the couch to endure a three mile walk, but I have participated in the past five Heart Walks and this year will be no exception.

I would appreciate any donation you might be able to offer, nothing is too small. I promise to represent you, as well as any loved ones touched by heart disease, as I walk on September 12th. Click on the link below to visit my personal donation page where you can make a secure online credit card donation. The American Heart Association’s online fundraising website has a minimum donation amount of $25.00. If you prefer a smaller amount, you can do so by sending a check directly to me.

Follow this link to visit my personal web page and help me in my efforts to support American Heart Association – Modesto, CA

I know times are hard, and appreciate your emotional support and warm thoughts even if you are not able to donate this year. If you know someone that might be interested in supporting me, please feel free to direct them to this page!

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As the challenge approaches the optimism and hope that I initially had has waned as the reality of my current situation is taking hold.

In addition to being addicted to food, I fear I have become addicted to pain medications. My current medicine is 10 times as addictive as Morphine, even more addictive than heroin. The dilema I face is that is that because I have been on them for so long, I have no idea how bad the underlying pain will be. Is it better to be physically dependent on a drug that affords a decent quality of life, or to be pain-riddled and clear headed? What if my 50 pound weight loss so far was dependent on being pain free? The answer is clear, everything can be solved by losing weight. My doctors have never been able to identify the actual root of my back problems because I have always been too large for the MRI machine.

It’s strange how whenever I gain some sort of momenteum, life has a tendency of complicating things.